Sunday, July 31, 2005

Another Week in Review

Corpse Stalls Traffic on Texas Highway

A corpse caused a traffic jam on a Dallas, Texas highway after it fell off a pickup truck late Tuesday, local media reported.

The body was being transported to a Shreveport, Louisiana funeral home when it fell off the truck and landed in the fast lane, The Dallas Morning News reported Wednesday.

Wrapped in a sheet and still strapped to a gurney, the body looked like a large white parcel from afar, Mary Ellen Douglas told the paper.

But as she switched lanes to avoid the gurney, Douglas said she spotted feet sticking out from the sheets.

"I didn't think it was possible for that to happen," Douglas said. "I wanted to get out of there. It was too freaky for me."

It took a while for the driver to notice the body was missing, police said. Eventually he saw that the back door of his truck was open so he pulled over to check on his cargo. When he realized the body was missing he turned around and searched along the highway until he found it.

Noon-hour drivers managed to swerve to avoid the body and the driver was able to retrieve it intact.

Russian Police Find Mummified Family

Russian police who smelt something amiss when the owners of a Moscow apartment failed to pay their bills found four mummified corpses and a fridge full of out-of-date food, the prosecutor's office said Wednesday.

Investigators established that the bodies were those of four family members, who died at intervals over a five-year period, prosecutor's spokesman Sergei Marchenko said.

The first of the four deaths, around five years ago, was that of a man born in 1912.

His death was followed by that of his wife, born in 1914, their daughter, born in 1942, and their granddaughter, born in 1971.

"The initial results of our investigations show that all the people died at different times over a five-year period," Marchenko was quoted by Interfax as saying.

A murder investigation has been opened in relation to the find, he said.

While the precise time of the last death has not been established, food in the apartment's fridge dated from 2003, he added.

The investigators also found a large amount of religious literature.

Report: Hong Kongers Don't Know What to Do in Bed

Hong Kongers usually rank near-bottom of the international list of lovers and a social worker may have discovered why: they don't know what to do between the sheets.

Grace Wong of the southern Chinese territory's Family Planning Association said the number of inquiries at her agency rocketed 50 percent last year, with many clients claiming to have no idea how to have sex.

"Some married couples are not familiar with their body parts," Wong was quoted as telling the Sunday Morning Post. "They don't know where their sex organs are.

"They don't know the physical changes associated with sexual response, like males getting an erection," she added.

Regular international surveys by condom manufacturers have found the city is less than amorous. Durex's last poll found Hong Kongers get it together 79 times a year, while the French manage it the most, at 137 times.

Another poll even suggested Hong Kong men prefer to go to work rather than have sex.

The frenetic work ethic in the former British colony is usually blamed for interfering with the course of nature.

But the paper said sociologists believe Chinese sensibilities, which deem discussion of sex even in school as taboo, are responsible.

Man's finger just makes the train

A German man's severed finger traveled 60 kilometers by rail after its owner trapped his hand in the door trying to board a train at the last minute, police said Tuesday.Passengers traveling from Freiburg to Cologne Sunday noticed the finger lying on the carriage floor and alerted police.Officers collected it at the next station.

Doctors said they were confident they could reattach the finger to its 34-year-old owner after it was rushed back to Freiburg in an ambulance.

HOT PRODUCT ALERT - if your a kid

I first ran across the folks at the Simtec Company when I saw some movers attempting to get a large table into a place I was working. They were using something called "EZ "Moves Furniture Slides so they basically didn't have to lift the heavy desk into place.

I was amazed, but then simple things that involve no lifting always amaze me...

Now these fine folks have created every parents nightmare FUNSLIDES CARPET SKATES.

Gee the same material that will allow you to scoot a heavy object with ease , when strapped to your feet, well, its INDOOR ICE SKATING AT GRAMMAS HOUSE...yippee....

Of course what would carpet skates be without CARPET PUCK, yes your kids can and will create an entire NHL ARENA right in the comfort of their parents living room.....whoohoo....

Ok, I admit it, if I was a kid, I WOULD BE BEGGING FOR THIS $20.00 gems till I couldn't breath any more....FRICKIN MIRACLES ON ICE...

WELL, I am older and I do have a vision, lets say we unleash these babies on, Westfield Shopping Town, you know those Austrailian shopping mall thugs who seem to buy up every mall in America and make it a clone of itself...see they all have a ton of carpet, why take a chance it hitting a lamp when the WHOLE MALL is clear past the blue line....YESSSSSS....

It's just a thought, I could be wrong...

Saturday, July 30, 2005

Woman sues Denny's over toilet burn

It's seems there are problems over at"THE OFFICIAL HOME Of BOWLING", I know your thinking it was THE BOWLING ALLEY perhaps, but nope IT'S DENNYS...

A Kansas woman has filed a lawsuit seeking damages for severe burns on her BUTT caused by chemicals used to clean a toilet at a Denny's EATERY.

Kathleen Williams' suit names Denny's Corp. and Jomar Investments LLC, owner of the St. Louis-area Denny's where she was "injured".

Williams claims she did not see the chemicals but felt them as soon as she sat down. Pedro Irigonegaray, her lawyer, said that she had to be hospitalized immediately and suffered permanent injuries.

Have you had "the meat lovers breakfast" there?, HELLO!!! the exact same thing happens to me about 2 hours after I eat one of those babies, the only difference is IM AT HOME...

"Sadly, as a result of the chemical injury, nerves were injured that create a sensation of pain 24 hours a day," Irigonegaray told the St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

I'm for one shocked, that after eatting there someone would experience the feeling of FIRE in their ASS upon completion of a trip to the official home of bowling or is it boweling?

He said Williams has to take medication for pain and wear special underpants designed for burn victims. INSERT SPECIAL UNDERPANTS JOKE HERE...

Friday, July 29, 2005

The Pope and the Potter

As the latest Harry Potter book shows its little cash cow head the fine folks at Lifesite have decided to make sure you know how the Catholic Church and God's Rottweiller feel about it.

You might remember when the last book came out Frier Tuck or whatever the Vaticans mouth piece is called said the POPE approved of the Harry Potter series, ooooops...

Witchcraft, hello, I don't think so pontif

Anyways a complete look at this can be found here.

The text of 2 letters on the subject can be found below or by clicking on Benny's name you can see the original documents:

Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Vatican CityMarch 7, 2003

Esteemed and dear Ms. Kuby,

Many thanks for your kind letter of February 20th and the informative book which you sent me in the same mail. It is good, that you enlighten people about Harry Potter, because those are subtle seductions, which act unnoticed and by this deeply distort Christianity in the soul, before it can grow properly.

I would like to suggest that you write to Mr. Peter Fleedwood, (Pontifical Council of Culture, Piazza S. Calisto 16, I00153 Rome) directly and to send him your book.

Sincere Greetings and Blessings,
+ Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger


Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger
Vatican CityMay 27, 2003

Esteemed and dear Ms. Kuby,
Somehow your letter got buried in the large pile of name-day , birthday and Easter mail. Finally this pile is taken care of, so that I can gladly allow you to refer to my judgment about Harry Potter.

Sincere Greetings and Blessings,
+ Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger

God Bless you HARRY POTTER....hahahahahahahhaha

Thursday, July 28, 2005

McDonalds goes to 4th base

As 30 plus inches of rain falls on INDIA I ponder these thoughts...

McDonalds as you may or may not be aware has outsourced it's drive-though ordering to INDIA, listen carefully next time you order to the accent, then look at the person who takes your money at the WINDOW, you will see a huge difference trust me...

Then there is the issue of a county that WORSHIPS the cow taking continuous orders to eat it...hummm, to resolve this I have taken to asking the order taker when the last time they had a Big Mac WAS?, it makes me feel better and speaking of Big Mac, there was this issue to consider on your next trip to Ronalds House:

India Call Center Staff in Sex Romp Shocker

According to a report in the India Times, which cites the steamy case of 24-year-old "senior process associate" Mandakini Sandhu and squeeze Ashish Gupta.

India Times explains: "For many employees like Sandhu and Gupta, the office space is not just a professional domain. Instead, it symbolizes one's personal space, thanks to long hours being spent in office.

From making friends to cultivating relationships, these offices are becoming hubs where inter-personal bonding takes place. And it comes as little surprise that many also give way to their sexual urges in the office space."

Sandhu apparently spends 12-13 hours a day doing Ronald McDonalds bidding, so her office is "the only place that allows her to snatch a few cozy moments with her boyfriend". She elaborates: "For us, the office is practically everything. Weird working hours means that most friendships happen usually within the office and in similar working set ups. And in such a situation, intimacy is a foregone conclusion."

For those who like their details in sort-of plain English, Sandhu admits she has gone to "fourth base" with her hormonally-charged colleague, but claims she has "refrained from having a quickie in the workplace as it's quite a risky proposition".

I'm not quite sure what "fourth base" means here, since Indians clearly have a different base system to that understood in the United States of America, But I think that basically the "Special Sauce" option was not put in between the buns... working on a simplified three-base system - understand anything after first base (complete failure to place an order) and 3rd being the actual "event" of delivering the "meal" to the counter...4th base would probably involve something seen only in Swedish DVDs and certainly illegal in the United States.

Why am I discussing this you may be asking yourself?, because it's raining in India and I don't wanna go outside or, THE NEXT TIME YOUR AT THE DRIVE THROUGH AT MCDONALDS. VISUALIZE YOUR HARD WORKING ORDER TAKER, cause theres a good chance they are getting it on while taking your order....or so I hear...

Please enjoy the coupon below as my gift to you my dear reader.

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Cave Woman Pleasure Party

So these cave women are sitting around at the prehistoric PLEASURE party, when Wilma turns to Betty and says, " this gem is twice the size I'm used to " Betty in turn suggests its "taller" than Barney...

Ok so maybe not but the 20cm-long, 3cm-wide stone object, which is dated to be about 28,000 years old, was buried in the famous Hohle Fels Cave near Ulm in the Swabian Jura.

The prehistoric "tool" was reassembled from 14 fragments of siltstone.

Its life size suggests it may well have been used as a sex aid by its Ice Age makers, scientists report.

"In addition to being a symbolic representation of male genitalia, it was also at times used for knapping flints," explained Professor Nicholas Conard, from the department of Early Prehistory and Quaternary Ecology, at Tübingen University. (FUNNY, I DO THE SAME THING WITH MINE...)

Researchers believe the object's distinctive form and etched rings around one end mean there can be little doubt as to its symbolic nature.

"It's highly polished, it's clearly recognizable," said Professor Conard.

The Tübingen team working Hohle Fels already had 13 fractured parts of the phallus in storage, but it was only with the discovery of a 14th fragment last year that the team was able finally to put the "jigsaw" together.

The different stone sections were all recovered from a well-dated ash layer in the cave complex associated with the activities of modern humans (not their pre-historic "cousins", the Neanderthals).

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Hooters Girl Reunion 2005

Its time for the annual Hooter Girls Convention, seen here is 83 year old Mary Lou Johnston of St Louis, she would be the oldest living waitress ever employed by the national eatery.

" I'm just happy I can still get into my outfit and my teeth are real " said Mary Lou when interviewed during the weekend's festivities...

Cough, ya Mary Lou we are all happy MOST of you is fitting inside your outfit...

Mary Lou it seems is a tad more liberal than most of the residents at her live-in care facility, once a month she teaches POLE DANCING for seniors....can you say hip replacement?

Banksy is BACK

Yes thats right, Old Banksy did it again, this time the mark was the British Museum. Mr B placed a fake prehistoric rock depicted a caveman pushing a shopping cart. It was on display in the British Museum for three days before being detected.

The British Museum has now loaned the rock art back to Banksy who is displaying it at his own show in London. But they hope to get it back eventually.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Ms Wheelchair America Crowned under cloud of ...HEY I CAN what...

HELLO, I guess we were all sleeping through this nightmare...

It seems Ms Wheeelchair America/Wisconson was crowned and then stripped of her title because she was photographed standing UP.

Daneal Lee has MD and uses a chair to get around... sometimes!


How can someone who can stand adequately represent an organization called Ms. Wheelchair America?

The mission of the Ms. Wheelchair America program, according to their Web site, is to promote awareness of the need for equality.

Ms. Wheelchair America has many responsibilities, including traveling, visiting advocacy groups, making public appearances and conducting interviews.

She must raise awareness of the need to eliminate architectural and attitudinal barriers, informing the able-bodied public of achievements of disabled people across the nation.

How can Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin, who is a candidate for Ms. Wheelchair America, inform the able-bodied public of the needs of the disabled when she is able-bodied herself?


She could be say MS "I CAN PARK IN A HANDICAPPED SPOT" AMERICA however...

Anyway with this goofball out of the way, last night Rhode Islands Kristen Connors was named Ms. Wheelchair America, capping months of fighting over the pageant's qualifying process that divided the disabled community.

What the heck is divding these people, your in a chair your not in a chair....hello!!!!!

And guess what is coming now?, yep Ms International Wheelchair....WHOO HOOO

Check out the PHOTO, is it just me or is her CROWN COCKEYED?

If you wanna entertain yourself more, here is the text of the press release on the subject....

Ms. Wheelchair America comment on Former Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin 2005

The Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin organization, a member of the Ms. Wheelchair America organization, has asked Ms. Janeal Lee to step down as its state representative because she did not meet eligibility requirements and did not follow the contractual obligations of a state titleholder. She was not asked to step down because she is “not disabled enough,” as she has stated in numerous media interviews.

Ms. Wheelchair America has held state pageants since April 2004 to select women who will participate in the 2006 Ms. Wheelchair America Pageant, held July 19-24, 2005 in Albany, NY. For all of these pageants, we have used the same requirements, requirements which Ms. Lee agreed to when she signed a contract. It is imperative that we follow the same requirements consistently for all the state pageants in order to choose MWA 2006.

Each state member of the Ms. Wheelchair America organization runs its own pageant. The national organization is not funded on the level of Miss America, Miss Universe or other famous pageants, but it strives to support the hardworking, dedicated volunteers, and most importantly the contestants, who make the state pageants possible.

We recognize that Ms. Lee is an advocate for people with disabilities in her community. We regret that Ms. Lee feels she was led to believe she was eligible to compete when in fact she was not. For better or worse, the founders of this pageant included a rule, which is stated in the national and Wisconsin guidelines, that the winner must appear in her wheelchair or scooter when in public. While we feel for Ms. Lee, and understand the concern that many have shared with us, a rule is a rule in any contest. It is up to the administrators of that contest to enforce the rules as they see fit. That is what the Wisconsin officials did. We, at the national level, do not see a reason to challenge that state pageant.

Since 1973, Ms. Wheelchair America has worked to spotlight the accomplishments of women who use wheelchairs. The mission of the national program is to provide a platform for women who use wheelchairs to advocate for people with disabilities. To participate in the Ms. Wheelchair America program, women must be 21-60 years old and use a wheelchair for daily community mobility. Marital status is not a consideration and it is not a beauty pageant. Contestants are judged on accomplishments and advocacy efforts, self-perception, personal interviews, platform speech presentations, and on-stage interviews.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Face Painter in trouble with "THE MAN"

Meet this weeks favorite MORON Patrick Tribett. The PAT was nabbed thursday morning by "THE MAN" for "abusing harmful intoxicants" as he attempted to make a purchase at Bellaire's Dollar General Store.

The 41-year-old Tribett, it seems, had been huffing spray paint and needed a refill or was attempting to turn himself into an OSCAR statue. According to a Bellaire Police Department report, Tribett's pupils were constricted and he replied slowly to their questions. Oh, and "officers observed the paint on face and hands."

Tribett was previously photographed by the county for assault, domestic violence, and inhaling harmful intoxicants, I'm not sure about the first two , but I'm feeling this is a second trip to the paint store on the third one...

If your currently looking for house painter who uses a "tagging type method" to his maddness he can be found in the Belmont County Sheriff's Office lockup.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Pee Wee Herman Day TODAY...

The third annual Paul Reubens’ Day will be held today in San Francisco, California. Meet at 1p.m. sharp at The Gold Dust Lounge @ 247 Powell ST. Don't be late, Pee-wees won't wait!

If ya can't make it just drop by HERE , and I'm sure you will get the idea and see how it could only happen on the WEST COAST...


Sometimes a product slips up on by and ya really don't have to say a word. The BOOGER BOARD is just one of those gems...These boys have picked a winner here and for only $19.95.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Supreme Court Justice into the frying pan...

So with ONE Supreme Court Justice's foot in the grave the lone woman bales out, Sandy "O" has decided shes OUTTA there allowing George W to put his stamp in the most dangerous place possible...

Our girl Sandy was quite often the swing vote on the Rowe V. Wade debates historically, and I think everyone knows about how "MR NO STEM CELL RESEARCH" feels about that issue, of course till his aging parent will need the help, but maybe if your George Bushes parents not being able to remember he's your son is a good thing...time will tell...

Ok, back to the choice, Judge John Roberts, of course I'm thinking replace a woman with A WOMAN, duh, half the country and they are soft to the touch, but nooooo...
I do a little digging on past decisions , R v.W, no...busing....nope... race? naw....FAST FOOD? humm , nows heres one I can sink my teeth into...

As an appellate judge for the District of Columbia, Judge Roberts wrote a decision in 2004 upholding the arrest of a 12-year-old girl who was caught eatting french fries at a Washington Metro station.

He supported the officers arrest ( it is against the law to eat in the station), but he also dressed down the transit police for their handling of the case.

The Judge in his decision told the police they overreacted by taking the girl into custody, removing her shoelaces, transporting the child in a police vehicle and taking her fingerprints -- "all for eating a single french fry."

Sure there are more important issues facing this nation, but character is an important trait and on the surface I'm thinking this one may be ok...time will tell...

Thursday, July 21, 2005

25 to Life - THE VIDEO GAME

Just when you thought the morality police were asleep, 25 to Life pops up and has Sen. Charles Schumer, a Democrat from New York up in arms calling for retailers to boycott it along with everyone else. (ya dude, you up for re-election soon or what)
"The last thing we need here in New York is to reinforce a destructive culture of violence and disrespect for the law. Little Johnny should be learning how to read, not how to kill cops," Schumer said.

Yo Schumer , last time I checked the evening news was fully of police corruption and the fine legislature was CUTTING SCHOOL FUNDING...

This loser even wants SONY and MICROSOFT to end licensing agreements with EIDOS the publisher...ONCE AGAIN MORON, WHO OWNS GTA?, MICROSOFT YOU LOSER!!!

And of course before that SONY had an exclusive distribution on GTA. YA IM SURE THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE LARGEST SELLING VIDEO GAME IN HISTORY CONTAINS and wouldn't want anything like that to continue flying off the shelf.

Video games don't kill people TOBACCO DOES, why don't you work on that or is the lobby too strong for you to complain about the product that when used as directed KILLS YOU and reinforces that fact on the package.

This dork is on the Senate committee for housing, I wonder if he's ever spent one day with Habitat for Humanity?

I'm guessing he missed 1st amendment class in SENATOR school, and the games clearly rated for people over the age of 18...DUH !!!!

One thing is for sure , he screams a little louder and this baby will out sell GTA, a dream come true to video game retailers this selling season.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Yo Martha, I don't remember HUMAN in the MEAT Dept...

Ahhh, once again those fine "do the right thing" folks from PETA have come up with another LAME attempt to get people to stop the inhumane SLAUGHTER of animals everywhere.


And just because you can't hear them scream in pain when you chop them up or burn them to death in a pot of boiling water doesn't mean they are not in pain and hurting, you pale faced looking collection of hypocrites...

I just have one question?, what are you trying to accomplish here?, because when I see this photo, I'm not thinking about hitting the salad bar over at FRESH CHOICE.

I'm thinking "how long did it take those malnutritioned morons to suffocate so PETA could have a photo that every BUTCHER on the planet now has hanging in his work locker with a redneck caption on it...BUT THATS JUST ME....

Take a memo to McDonalds:

Yo Ron,

About those Happy Meals with the BLOW UP Clubs from that Disney's Dave the Barbarian cartoon, well I'm over that, watching all those kids beat the crap outta each other while in your PLAYLAND was amazing ...but... what about the sound of animals screaming in those new NEO PETS your marketing, I think they would be alot more creative than just a stuffed animal...

Keep up the good work you Old Clown Nose...

your pal...


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Lance Armstrongs SECRET WEAPON

Lance Armstrong's SUPER SECRET weapon to win this year's Tour de France was made public today when Lance's Team Discovery Bike showed up later than expected at the starting line.

Mr Armstrongs personal BIKE LOCK , Wing Toe (seen here) woke up late after a night of hard partying it seems...

When asked about his human lock and threats of his racing bike being stolen, Mr Lance replied " most people are so creeped out when they see it there's no chance my property is going anywhere...

It is still unclear if Mr Armstrong's statement was referring to his less than talented girlfriend Sheryl Crow or his Discover Channel Bike. One thing we have learned, apparently a guy with one ball is more talented than Ms Crows ex-boyfriend ERIC CLAPTON. Go Lance !

Monday, July 18, 2005

Classic Films 101

Does anyone actually go to the movies anymore?, a recent survey concluded that 78 % of the people would rather buy a film than go to a theater and watch it. Hollywood is remaking every 1970's television show into a feature film so I thought it was time to feature some of the most entertaining things since Huck Botko unleashed the darkest part of his mind onto the rest of us:

Stand by...your about to smile , and wince...

Frodo Lives: Episode 1

Top 10 Reasons it's OK to be a Bachelor

Bees Vs Hornets

Frodo Lives: Episode 2

The World Championship of Illegal Pencil Fighting

Short Subject:

The Drum Solo

The Iron Chef

The Hand that Feeds You

And the music video of the year goes to:

Is That All You Got?

Looking For My Leopard

And special thanks to THE MAN SHOW, for , well being THE MAN SHOW...

Sunday, July 17, 2005

We Should Be

this is an audio post - click to playI for one would feel alot safer with the TELE TUBBIES watching my back, except for maybe TINKY WINKY....that dude has some real issues...

IN THE NEWS - This Week

America, home of the free, land of the brave... A place where on any given day of the week someone does something that makes the average god fearing human being stop and say...


Man dies while having sex with Horse according to the Seattle Times.

I know what your thinking, isn't that illegal??...NOPE not in Washington State, but they could get a person for animal cruelty if sex occured with one of the smaller farm animals present, unless he was of Asian decent. In case your wondering 33 states have laws AGAINST it...

Oklahoma woman arrested for giving birth Drunk.

This new mother split a case of beer with her boyfriend and told the nurse she was unaware she was pregnant. Mom was .32 and the child was .21 when born. Since it was girl I would suggest Olympia for a name, and since mom didn't know she was pregnant I assume the child protective services people can make sure the child doesn't even know this fricking moron was her mother...

Blind man has sex with guide dog according to Talahassee Democrat.

So our boy Alan Yoder is charged with a "breach of the peace", by engaging in sexual activity with a guide dog, cause guess what, Florida doesn't have, yup, poking the puppy is not against the law...I guess the weird part of this for me is the picture I have in my head of a blind guy stumbling around naked in the heat of SPCA passion calling out his the dogs name, LUCKY...
As punishment why don't they hire someone to rearrange his furniture once a week and not tell him...

T-Ball coach offers kid cash to attack mentally disabled 8 year old to keep him out of the game according to WTAE-TV Pittsburg.

Coach Mark decides he doesnt want to let the handicapible 8 year old play, so he talks not one but 2 teamates into beaning the kid in the head and GROIN for a payment of $25.00 before the national anthem can be belted out.

BOZO was charged with criminal solicitation to commit aggravated assault, corruption of minors and reckless endangerment. He's going to be VERY popular in JAIL...

I'm all too familiar with his type, I once got a technical foul called on me while coaching a Special Olympics Basketball team, seems the other coach thought I had an unfair advantage because I was directing my team a ways out on the court and not on the sideline like he thought I should.

Two minutes after the technical, one of my team members attempted to chew off the arm of an opposing player with downs syndrome then his own while i wrestled them apart...My counter part,seeing the scuffle said he was sorry, he didn't know, to which I replied, "WHAT PART OF EVERYONE WINS DID YOU MISS IN TRAINING?... some people just don't understand...

And finally, last week when questioned about the size of his penis on a television news program, Vice President Dick Cheney gestured (seen here) , then mumbled something about his support for Carl Rove...

Maybe next week things will look a little closer to normal, hahahahahaha WHO AM I KIDDING !

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Target sells LAVA LAMP to small town.

The fine Target Corporation has sold The Worlds Largest Lava Lamp to the fine town of Soap Lake Washington. This JUMBO relic from the 1960s has glowed in Times Square in New York for a while and in the words of Bob Dylan, "the times they are a changin"

The city council seems to think that this is their, Golden Gate Bridge, Eiffel Tower and Statue of Liberty all in one, me I'm thinkin this is their BABE the MUFFLER GUY...

There is no under estimating WHITE TRASH AMERICA, when they have a plan, ya just know its coming and that they BELIEVE, its the religous right...

Implimentation...A 5o foot anything wherever it is, is a good thing, Oral Roberts always wanted the 50ft Jesus in Tulsa Oklahoma and he made a living outta it, oh wait that was a 900 foot Jesus that the wacko wanted to prop up, I get these things confused...

The Lava Lamp is proposed to be 60+ feet high with a diameter of 18+ feet.

It is constructed of cast 4-6 inch thick reinforced glass with a structural metal base and top cap. The contents of the lamp will be similar to conventional lava lamps, which contain a combination of liquids and colored treated water.

The base will contain the electrical units that power the lamps to warm and light the contents of the glass cylinder structure.

At mid-point of the structure, where the base meets the glass cylinder, an observation platform with a catwalk surrounding the glass cylinder will be constructed with access to the platform provided by a circular stair weaving up the base from the ground. A fee will be established to access the platform, which will provide money to help finance and maintain the structure. The platform will offer views of the community and the lake.

Bigger is better Soap Lake, I'm behind ya 1000%, and the festival you will hold annually to support this idea,well thats just the sort of excuse I need for a road trip...

Friday, July 15, 2005

Mr.and Mrs Creepy

For Simon and Edna Martin it was "Love at first Sight" or so they have been quoted, how good is the eye sight of a 70 year old woman and her deaf 31 year old hubby?

Simon, said: "I'd never had a proper relationship before I met Edna. DUDE I got NEWS FLASH...THIS AIN'T IT EITHER....

"She's turned my life upside down. She is definitely the woman of my dreams. I couldn't be more happy and don't care about the age gap." said Simon. YOU TURN HER UPSIDE DOWN AND THERE HAS TO BE CIRCULATION ISSUES DUDE...and you are dreaming..

The couple, who live together in England, met at a concert where Simon was playing the organ. Edna restores the instruments. JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES AND THINK ABOUT THAT SENTENCE...feels dirty doesn't it....

"Our mutual friend introduced us and Edna was looking very glamorous. We gave each other a big hug." said Simon. AND YOU BROKE HER RIB?, and get an eye exam while your at it...

Edna admits that some people have found it hard to accept their relationship. LIKE OH SAY, EVERYONE WHO SEES YOU MAKING OUT IN PUBLIC...

"We have had some strange reactions," she said. "Some women who are my age sort of sneer. But we have had total strangers say it's wonderful." ALL YOUR FRIENDS IN THE CIRCUS AND TRAILER PARKS APPROVE...DUH !!!

Ok, enough of this, I need to go shower and get Mr and Mrs Creepy outta my mind...

Thursday, July 14, 2005

2 and 2

Jean Léon Gérôme's 1847 painting "The Cock Fight" is on display in my favorite art palace,The Musée d'Orsay in Paris, why am I showing it to you here? In hopes you as americans will agree with my vision and restore this sport to its rightful place, somewhere between a Tractor Pull and Pig Racing in American forklore. OR BECAUSE...well you can see for yourself...DUH!!!

The Oblongs DVD Release

Every once in a while you look at something and think, "WHO IN THE HECK thought that was a good idea"...It's kinda a ray of sunshine for the less fortunate.

I felt that way from the vary first episode that aired on The WB, the people you brought us Bugs Bunny are now allowing us to make fun of the handicapped though the eyes of the demented Angus Oblong.

Mr "O", for those not aware created a little book called "Creepy Suzy and Other Tragic Tales", its a wonderful romp into the darkest spots in civilization and a delightful read. I think it may also be used as the bible over at the suicide girls website.

Every week as this gem appeared on The WB I thought, "this has to be the last episode, how long can it go on?", cats who smoke and cough up lungs, conjoined twins who fight over who washes their butt crack in the shower, a little boy so doped up on antipsycotic medication you begin to think you have problems and a mom who clearly sells herself for anything she can get.

I guess the little girl with the tumor and the father with no arms or legs that works in a factory putting the labels on rat poison with his tongue almost makes sense....

Sure the kids have friends, Peggy the Mutant, the girl with no lower jaw & one dangly little boob in the center of her chest, Mikey Butts whose butt cheeks sag down below his knees, its ok because he uses his grandmothers bra to keep them up, and of course Creepy Susie the morbid goth girl who, for no real reason, floats 6 inches above the ground.

Well it finally bit the dust, duh it was ...FRICKIN GREAT !!!!! six short weeks and it was bye bye carney workers....well the gang at the Cartoon Network picked it up as part of their ADULT SWIM products and all of the 13 episodes have been aired.

Now comes a the greatest moment of all, This weeks long awaited release of The 2 DVD set , The COMPLETE OBLONGS....

All 13 episodes are now availible on 2 DVD's along with the shows concept art and various other pieces from Angus Oblongs World. YIPPEE....

Don't take my word for it, go out and spend the $29.95, after all THE WB allowed me to be completely naked on one of their stations a few years ago and chose to not blur anything out...and this is alot better than that, but somehow similar...and worth the price...

If your still on the fence, here is an interview with Angus about this project and then check out the website, because I'm watching them with or without you, so there...

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Willie Nelson goes Jamaican

Apparently its harvest time along the Mendeceno county line as music legend Willie Nelson today released COUNTRYMAN, his first Reggae album.

Backed by Toots Hibbert on a Johnny Cash penned track called "I'm a Worried Man" that the Man in Black offered Willie when he told him he was recording the reggae album this could live up to its billing as a classic.

Recorded in 1995 as a little adventure between record producer Don Was and Island Records honcho Chris Blackwell it got shuffled off during a collection of recording company mergers this past decade.

Most of the sessions were done in Los Angeles with some of the late Peter Tosh's band, Willie also covers Jimmy Cliff's "Harder they Come " and "Sittin in Limbo" along with songs from his own catalog.

Those fine folks at THE WALMART refused to carry the album because of cover art issues and requested a change in the packaging. I think you can guess which cover they had a problem with...

I guess the fine moral upstanding people at The Walmart aren't familar with the fact that Willie Nelson's use of marijuana makes Cheech and Chong look like the POPE and MOTHER TERESA. And I should note that the entire Cheech and Chong film library sits undisturbed on the shelves of the same fine shopping facility. Gee, I wonder what they think the subject matter of those films is, or better yet does anyone over the age of 30 not know the topic covered?...

Anyways, below you will find a track listing and listen to streaming audio before purchasing it through Amazon.

Track Listings

Do You Mind Too Much If I Don't Understand
How Long Is Forever
I'm a Worried Man
Harder They Come
Something to Think About
Sitting in Limbo
Darkness on the Face of the Earth
One in a Row
I've Just Destroyed the World
I Guess I've Come to Live Here
Undo the Right

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

English artist sells his SNOT for 20k

If things in England are bad enough with bombings and Prince Charles marriage , a London based artist who collected boogers from his nose for two years and displayed the resulting ball of snot at four separate art exhibitions is now ready to part with his prized possession -- to the tune of roughly $20,000.

James Robert Ford's brussels sprout-sized "Bogey Ball" now rests in a glass case on a shelf in his apartment, but he is seeking an art collector to take possession of it.

He wants no less than 10,000 British pounds for the mucus blob, explaining that each booger is a part of his body and it would be impossible for anyone to replicate. FREAK HELLO !!!!

In Ford's words, "It's a physical record of all the different places I have been and people I've met." COUGH YA THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING TOO....

So far, the artist has only received offers in the 100-to-500-pound range, but he says his snot is worth much more than that.

His desired price breaks down to roughly 10 pounds per piece of snot -- or about $18 U.S.

How does Ford feel about parting with his notorious piece of art? He says, "It will be hard to let go, but at the same time, it's hard not to have any money." OR FRIENDS WANTING TO SHAKE YOUR HANDS...

Monday, July 11, 2005

Dwarf fired for not smiling at WALMART...

Molly Beavers lost her smile somewhere along her 19-year career of pushing food samples and collecting grocery carts she could barely see over.
HAHHAHA of course she could barely see over them SHES a DWARF hahahahaha...

A Sam's Club manager fired her in December 2003 for not smiling enough, she says. Beavers' face is partially paralyzed from surgery related to her condition as an achondroplastic dwarf.

Dwarf Beavers, 49, filed an Americans With Disabilities Act complaint in federal court Friday, alleging that Sam's Club and parent company Wal-Mart discriminated against her when they fired her.

She claims they knew about her health problems and failed to accommodate her. Duh, look down there she is....

The complaint says dwarf Beavers is seeking a jury trial, but Beavers says she's really seeking an apology and some compensation for the last two years she has been unemployed. (and a step stool so she can turn the TV on in her apartment...)

Wal-Mart spokeswoman Christi Gallagher declined to speak about the lawsuit.

Beavers is also one of the 5,000 women alleging Wal-Mart discriminated against them in a high profile class-action lawsuit that's working its way through the courts.

Although partial paralysis has given our little clown a permanent frown, Beavers said she enjoyed for her food demonstration job.

She commuted by bus each morning for one hour to offer taller people tastes of biscuits and gravy and pigs-in-a-blanket to Sam's Club customers.

She said her problems at work began earlier in 2003, when she tripped in a produce aisle drainage hole and fell to the ground. Her demonstration cart and microwave oven toppled over on her, she said. (they found her trapped in the aisle 3 days later inside the drain)

Beavers filed a workers' compensation claim. Sam's Club did not process the claim nor pay for treatment, the federal complaint states. Hey, she knew she was short when she took the job...

Although Beavers recovered, back problems lingered. When she asked to sit on a stool while working, her manager would not allow it, the lawsuit states. STANDING ON IT IS OK SITTING ON IT IS AN ISSUE...

Beavers said a few older employees were allowed to sit on stools. DUH, thats cause they are TALL...

Later, when new store manager Ralph Lail fired her, he told her it was because she didn't smile enough at customers and co-workers, the lawsuit states. When Beavers explained her facial paralysis, Lail said, "that's no excuse," according to the federal filing.

Ya got to know short people everywhere gotta be pissed about this and if you have been to Walmart recently you will notice everyone is taller clothing racks. A BOYCOTT IS CLEARLY IN PLACE...

Sunday, July 10, 2005

The Subservient Chicken

I personally don't eat at Burger King anymore, one to many issues with food poisoning , However I found myself way way way too happy with their new promotion. BK developed a website and called it The Subservient Chicken.

If you go to the official BK site no mention is made of it, however the SC site links to BK through clicking on the BK Tender Crisp link.

I would of given anything to have been in the room when they pitched this as a great marketing idea to the BK target audience...

Apparently CIRCUS FREAKS is who they see roaming through the portals of Burger Kings everywhere, don't get me wrong, I am now a believer, these are truely my people.

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Great Wall Skateboard Jump TODAY

The jump is scheduled to take place today at the historical Juyongguan Gate, a landmark site considered among the top tourist destinations of the Great Wall.

Danny Way, holds multiple world records including two for distance jumped (24m) and height out of a skateboard ramp (7.14m). These records, set last year, are merely the backdrop to Way's world record setting attempt in Beijing today.

The Beijing MegaRamp will feature a 36.58m high (120ft) "roll-in" platform where Way will begin his descent, a gap distance of 22.86-27.43m (75-90ft) across the Great Wall and a quarter-pipe height of 9.75m (32ft) which Way will boost out of in an attempt to break his own world-record for height out of a ramp set in California, 2003 at 7.14m (23.5ft).

The MegaRamp will require in excess of 60,000 screws, 4,000 framework joists, 410 sheets of plywood and 200 sheets of specially manufactured 'Skatelite' surface panels imported from the USA at a cost of US$60,000.

Sixty men have been working daily at the event site amid temperatures that yesterday peaked at 41 degrees Celsius (110 degrees F) in order to meet the deadline.

The final estimated cost of the MegaRamp is said to be close to half-a-million US dollars.

The event is being underwritten by Quiksilver and should show up all over ESPN and national newscasts saturday.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Human Cannonball fired for FEAR of flying...

So I find myself reading a story about the fine Cottle and Austen Circus firing one of its employees , Todd Christian "The Human Cannonball"

It seems Todd is a lifelong daredevil and injured his knee while performing the stunt, the Cottle and Austen Circus, decided that for his own safety he should receive specialist training at a space centre in Brazil. (or some mental health clinic somewhere)

But Old Todd refused to go, despite clearly being the right NUT for his job at the circus. The thought of a flight to Rio de Janeiro, somewhat longer than a toss across the inside of some tent , was just too much for him.

“I know it sounds silly because I’m a human cannonball, but I don’t like long flights, and if I’m on a plane for a long time I start to panic.” he said yesterday from Scotland, where the circus is touring. OH YA TODD , MAKES PERFECT SENSE TO ME...


Mr Christian is now discussing a claim for unfair dismissal with his lawyer. He has been replaced by Diego Zeman, a Brazilian performer known as Diego the Human Rocket. Unlike Mr Christian, Mr Zeman has taken the specialist training course which helps him to deal with the G-force that goes with the job.

“I feel sorry for Todd but being a human cannonball is what I have always dreamed of doing and I’m very happy ” said the Human Rocket when questioned about the situation.

Its nice to see that both Diego and Todd got to experience what so many people never get the chance to THE PERFECT JOB...and for those of you playing at home...

The Record Human Cannonball. "The record distance for firing a human from a cannon is 175' in the case of Emanuel Zacchini in the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus in 1940. His muzzle velocity was 145 mph. On his retirement the management was fortunate in finding that his daughter-in-law, Florinda, was of the same caliber." THERES ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE IT SEEMS...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

It's White Trash Sports in Spain time, AGAIN !!!

I can hardly believe a year has already past, it's time for Spain's version of Monster Truck racing, The annual running of the bulls.

This week a Canadian babe was trampled and a bull lost its horn as the usual collection of nuts hurtled themselves through Pamplona being followed ever so closely by 3 ton of bull during the first full day of Spain's San Fermin fiesta.

Basically six bulls are set rampaging onto closed city streets as part of the annual week-long party, 15 people have been culled from the collective human herd since 1910.

Its rare to see a female enter the race and but lucky us as Alexandra Popovska, risked her butt for all who came to watch.

"The whole herd over ran her in a trampling effect," a hospital spokeswoman said, but added her injuries were not serious. DARN IT !!!!

One animal, chasing a moron who leaping over a fence, became wedged underneath it. After about 15 seconds -- a long time in a less than 3 minute run -- a nutball yanked free of the slaughterhouse special, which then continued down the boulevard looking for someone else to gore and scattering this years moving targets all along the way.

WHY IS THERE NO PAY PER VIEW ?, multiple days of people being ripped to shreds in the city streets and NO PAY PER VIEW, thats the difference between countries, in the good only USA, Ringling Brothers , the WWF or the UFC would have this gem on TV every night at 8pm for $39.95. And I would be GLUED to the TV, when COPS isn't on of course...oh well maybe I need to plan a vacation to Spain for a little closer view of this funfest...

On the other side of the coin, those against the annual bull run held their own 4th Annual Human Run and of course chose to run through the streets naked... hummm ...ya...ok..WHATEVER !!!

The Pretenders performed a free concert supporting the naked peoples run through town and the head of PETA asked US Defense Czar Don Rumsfeld to run naked with them...Ya we all need to see him naked...until next time...

Look what the garden grew...

MILWAUKEE, Wis. -- Louis Volpe, acting regional supervisor of the U.S. Department of Agriculture's safeguarding intervention and trade compliance program, holds two Giant African Land Snails in the USDA's Milwaukee office.

Federal health officials have seized several of these dangerous pests from Wisconsin classrooms and have started a national search for the creatures.

Many of the snails, which are illegal to possess in the United States, were being used as teaching tools in some classrooms where school officials don't know they are dangerous, said Willie Harris, eastern regional director of the USDA's intervention and trade compliance bureau.

Hummm, it seems Google is loaded with the care and feeding of these little gems, in England they seem to be all the rage as pets, However the same vision keeps flashing into my head over and over again, JUST HOW MUCH SALT WOULD BE REQUIRED TO START THE BEST SNAIL MELTING PARTY ANY SIDEWALK HAS EVER SEEN?... but thats just me...

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Hey I think I gotta nibble...

A few days ago this FISH TALE hit the newswires everywhere, some guy in northern Thailand caught a 646-pound Mekong giant catfish, a world record for such an animal. Im thinking those guys at the Weekly World News must have been kicking themselves big time, years and years of BAT BOY and Aliens meeting with world leaders and the first thing you would expect in their "tomb of knowledge" shows up in the New York Times...

When I saw the photo , I thought, "Wow, they must of let it go", HELL NO !!!... BOBO TAK TAK or whatever his name was, hauled that bad boy up to the village for supper before the World Wildlife Fund (WWF) and National Geographic could get their hands on it, or could talk him outta his plan of "SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHE for everyone..."

Hey, BOBO TAK TAK, take note, the Mekong, he was on the endangered species list you moron, not the nightly fish special at the HE HUNG LOW Diner in PING TOE...

You can almost hear the american fishermans collective minds going "I think the wall would hold him, he would fit fine dear, right over the couch" , "I'M SURE IT WOULD BE CHEAP..."

Last communication from BOBO said something about going to Loch Ness, we are awaiting further information on his whereabouts...

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

A Big Bottle of RED...

The Big weekend is upon us, yes the Annual Worlds Largest Catsup Bottle Summerfest is here.

Located in Downtown Collinsville Illinois this white trash convention is Sunday July 10th 2005. Its seems to be in conjunction with 2nd Annual Little Princess Tomato & Little Sir Catsup pageant and the talent portion should contain a magic trick or YO YO demonstration...Im thinking the YOYO could be the pageant obsessed parents who put their kids in these things ,Jon Benet Ramsey ring any bells...

Lest we change our focus, this day is all about what happened in 1947, records show that the W.E. Caldwell Company of Louisville, Kentucky, entered a contract to build the 100,000 gallon water tower. Final drawings were approved in 1948 and the World's Largest Catsup Bottle was completed in October of 1949.

It seems Brooks Old Original Tangy Catsup was all the rage and at one time it was America's #1 seller among tangy catsups, and in the greater St. Louis area it out sold all other brands combined by 2 to 1. ya right ok...

Anyways as these things go, in June 1995 public outrage over tearing down a landmark arose and bingo, the town nuts saved the catsup bottle and now have a festival to get blasted and remember their past...

Wonder if old T Heinz Kerry is planning to Learjet in for the weekend?


The German Chocolate producer Guylian made this chocolate easter egg with 50,000 bars for the city of St. Niklaas. The egg measures 8.32 meters high and weighs 1950kg. Twenty six Oompa Loompas worked for 525 hours to build the egg. It will not be eatten but rather destroyed after it is on display for a week.I guess doing something useful with FOOD like FEEDING THE HOMELESS is out of the question, oh wait a minute, they are german, I forgot...

June 13 2005 - The Neverland Ranch

Ive always loved a good road trip and what better excuse than the day Michael Jackson gets NOT GUILTY or "BEAT IT" on all counts than a visit to Neverland ranch. When people are obsessed, there is always a party taking place and this was no exception.

To be sure I wasn't alone, every News agency with a truck in NORTH AMERICA had a crew up there.
Michael Jacksons address is probably the most publically availible celebrity address on the planet, 100 plus search warrants helped.

5225 Figueroa Mountain Road Los Olivos California is the actual address but that gets you to the front gate of what is thousands of acres to MJ's mountain retreat.

As you can see the night of the verdict the gate was covered in hearts and streamers with notes from all over the world.

The poster here was from some person with way to much time on their hands as they had traveled from japan just to put it on the gate.

Jackson's security detail threatened reporters to stay off the property many times while I was present however his fan base was allowed to sit on the fence hang out in front of the gate without any problems what so ever.

A lovely middle aged women even sat topless in her car offering donuts to press and fans alike, not even the sheriffs department seemed to have a problem with her. 36c

The press was deep into looking for a photo op with anybody or anything as it was clear Mike wasn't coming out of his cave anytime soon.
As you can see when Mikes father Joe Jackson came through the

gates the horde of film crews basically attempted to roll his car over in an attempt to get any single audio bite out of the mouth of a family member. Funny, Joe stopped and thanked the fans which really pissed the news hounds off as he did it on jackson property with 8 Neverland security folks stationed next to him.

After this showI popped over to the Santa Maria Times and managed to get the printing plate they used to produce the Special VERDICT Edition. A lovely parting gift from NEVERLAND.

Monday, July 04, 2005

It's a Panda , no it's a Raccoon..FREAK SHOW

Why do people constantly laugh at me when I tell them I believe in Big Foot? This is a Japanese Red Panda named Futa that is capable of walking upright for 10 seconds at a time. He is 2 years old and looking to mate or so I'm told. Futa is currently living in the Chiba Zoological Park outside of Tokyo and has commercial endorsements and an income. Is it just me or can you hear Michael Jackson on the phone trying to buy this in a bidding war with the Ringling Brothers Circus CZAR KENNY FELD?


Teacher/Student Fashion 101

Ok, so I haven't exactly been living in the K-12 world for say the past 2 decades but it appears things are different than I remember them...

According to a story in the Washington Post the outfits teachers are wearing to work have become a problem in the United States.

Just to quote a few of the restrictions being placed on educators this coming school season, skimpy tops, short skirts, spandex and the ever popular Spaghetti strap are now inapproprate teacher clothing, also if you live in Colorado that includes clothing that exposes "cleavage, private parts, the midriff or undergarments. WOW!! so forward thinking COWBOY UP WHOO HOO...

Down it Georgia its no skirts above the knee , and ties need to be worn 2 or 3 times a week, guess they aren't exactly tied into a rule on that yet.

Over in Louisiana its NO capri pants and Houston says NO to "fu man choo mustaches, its unclear of either of these rules apply to both sexes. I wander if its NO to racial stereo typing or if HOP SING is still got his green card to work in the kitchen next year?

In the Militia state of Michigan a teacher was sent home for wearing a belt buckle containing a POT leaf, HAVE YOU EVER BEEN TO A GUN SHOW?, the one thing these people should be promoting it the use of a drug to MELLOW them out...gee whiz...

Then theres NANCY ECKERSON of Akron, we all remember her growing up ( hit the link for her photo) she was the mom at the HOUSE OF NO FUN !!!The chance of this MOM buying the beer for the kids friday night KEGGER is ZERO !!!

Nancy spent a tad too much time doing after school bible studies and not enough time in the back seat of her boyfriends car during her formative years, but thats just the vibe I get from the photo...

Over in Blue Field West Virginia its all about the crack of your butt in terms of dress code, its been termed "a private part". You laugh well look at this piece of legislation.

Over in North East Georgia the length of shorts and skirts will not be measured using a student's fingertips. Instead this year, they will have to reach a persons knees. HUH????

Pants and shorts that sag below the waistline will also be a no no . They must be following that Virgina "butt crack rule"?.

Another new rule classifies pointed objects on clothing - like spiked or studded belts, collars and bracelets - as weapons." In California that would basically CLOSE most of the states school but in good old boy Georgia where half the cars have fully loaded GUN RACKS in them, its a huge issue...

Good news though, if you break the rules, they will let you wear a LAB COAT all day...

So what is all this about you ask, school adminstrations who have forgotten what its like to be a kid or a teacher quite possibly?

Shouldn't they be worrying about the quality of the educational product and not some white trash clothing choice or the shop teachers butt crack?, heck when I was in school mine only had ONE HAND, no one seemed to be in a hurry to fix that problem, and that my friends was DISRUPTIVE.

But thats just me...

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Bubba Survives Jump

As you can see by the photo Hillbilly Daredevil Bubba Blackwell has survived his jump over six yes I said six pop up camper trailers...whooo hooo...

This NUT aka "Jethro" was appearing at The House of Thunder in Morgan Hill Ca.

He would be the guy
Robbie Knievel doesn't like based on the fact he rides a Harley, and appears to trade on the "family name and business, Robbie rides a rice burning dirt bike while Bubba jumps with an exact duplicate of the Harley 750 Robbies Dad Evel used back in the day...

Bubba vs Knievel who could make up a better feud???

And the drama that Robbie and his father are about as close as the Lindsay Lohan clan make it all just a little sweeter in daredevil heaven...

Saturday, July 02, 2005

4th of July: A Time to Remember

When you think the 4th of July one assumes it brings up memories of picnics with your family, M80's, boating trips on the lake you know what I mean...

For the past several years I have given up those rituals and begun a new right of passage. Hollister, the little california town and basis for the Marlon Brando classic The Wild Bunch gets over run with a 58 year old nightmare known as
The Hollister Rally. You know 150,000 Bikers, The Hells Angels, Bubba Blackwell, The Wall of Death and yes The Globe of Death.

The Wall and Glodes of Death are respectfully at the heart of a long gone era, the one where Joey Chitwood would sit on a keg of TNT and be blown into the air 60 feet or roll over one of his cars while crowds cheered...Or where
Evel Knievel would jump too far and miss the landing ramp while the crowds cheered THIS IS WHAT AMERICAS ALL ABOUT...

The idea that any person in this country can at a moments notice enter their family car into a
demolition derby, climb into a wine barrel 40 feet across and drive like a madman while snatching dollar bills out of the adoring crowds hands from above or stand in the middle of a giant metal egg while 2 100cc motorcycles scream around them...THATS WHAT AMERICAS ALL ABOUT...

The circus has not been the same since the BEARDED FAT LADY and
LOBSTER BOY were removed from display by those who objected on the grounds of political correctness...

The time has come to step back and remember those who came before us...

Weirdness is an American tradition that goes back to the very beginning of this country, men in wigs and a guy flying a kite to discover what its really like to be electrocuted...

Don't shun your heritage this summer, embrace it, find a demolition derby,wall of death, globe of death in your area and give those people a hug because without them there would be no
NASCAR, no NHRA or no Power Tool Drag Racing...Heck REDNECKS would have college degrees.

Lets take a moment and remember what this country is really about, Being crazy and weird, just because you can...

Friday, July 01, 2005


Every once in a while its good to fall back into one's childhood, or so I tell myself, about 90 days ago I had one of those visions...

While driving my trusty 1968 california custom vw bug I was lucky enough to have an illegal alien cut in front of me so I could T-BONE her and she could swim back to her homeland without required insurance and a drivers license. Lucky ME !!!!

What to do I asked myself?, fix it, get another? change manufacturers?....

Problem is, I loved that car, I come from a lifetime of VW products, my father a VW Guru for 40 plus years, it seemed growing up thats all we had around, they are my comfort

I asked the five year old who circles around my PLANET AND LIFE, hey dude what are we going to do about the car?

"Herbie", he announced with a huge smile...

What he didnt't know is that back in the late 1960's my father had created a HERBIE as a promotional tool for the original LOVE BUG film.

So I started the research task that is Herbie, first repairing a rather crushed front end to our current classic, Bruce and the gang at Bugformance in San Jose California did their usual bang up job and carefully reconstructed the bug to its former glory.

Next the paint , I chose Earl Schieb and his "SNOW WHITE " color...SWEET

but what about the decals, the thing that makes Herbie , well Herbie...?, you know the best place to look for something impossible to get is to hunt down the truly obsessed by it, well gee there they were....

Enter Greg Carr, owner of one of the original Herbies from the Disney Film, BINGO the king of kings, Greg it seems duplicated the exact original decals from his own original movie starring car and even has supplied disney with them for their own cars that show up in parades in the theme parks and movies...

Ask anybody about decals, all roads point to GREG CARR...

I send Mr Carr a money order, and in a few days...I'm holding a complete set of Herbie decals...

but how to install them?, i had flashbacks of my father getting bubbles out forever so i contacted a few sign places , you know the ones that put decals on commercial trucks, SURE WE CAN DO IT, $ hard can this be I thought....

After a chat with one guy, it seems our Boy Mr Carr really was THE MAN, the decals were on special 3M film that at first glance makes they actually appear painted on the car...SWEET...

However injstallation time and attention to detail for such a specialized material meant 4-5 hours of labor...$600.00....remember...ahhh....

As I drove home sulking I stopped at 7/11 for something to drink, OH THANK HEAVEN...

As I return to my car I see I guy looking into the back seat to the car, "HEY YOU MAKIN HERBIE?" he asks....not at the cost of putting these decals on I say to him...

He then makes my day , "MY BROTHER DOES THAT FOR A LIVING " he says, one million people in this town and I hit the lotto....

6 hours labor and alot less cash and Herbie was born, and as you can see by the photo he's looking pretty good and while I didnt put all the sweat into creating him Im sure my fathers looking down and smiling, I know my son is, because there is nothing like pulling up to school and hopping outta the back of Herbie...or so Im told...