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"The past couple of years there have been a whole bunch of scandals involving governors. You know things are bad when the most normal governor of the last decade was Jesse 'The Body' Ventura."
-- Craig Ferguson

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"The couple from 'Jon & Kate Plus Eight' filed for divorce. ... The show's going to go on. It's just going to be called 'Jon & Kate Minus Half of Jon's Stuff.' "
-- Craig Ferguson

More David Feldman

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"I would hate to actually spend a real night in a museum. All those ancient fossils and dusty old bones ... if I wanted that, I'd watch '60 Minutes.'"
-- Craig Ferguson

Classic Betty White

Craig Caresses Carmen's Cans

CARMEN ELECTRA ensured all CRAIG FERGUSON'S Christmases came at once when she allowed the chat show host to cop a cheeky feel of her boobs.
Ferguson couldn't believe his luck after the former Baywatch beauty asked him to help her adjust the top of her black strapless dress. And, seeing as it is the season of goodwill, Craig duly obliged.
more HERE
video HERE...go to 23:20

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"The airport in Anchorage, Alaska, is named Ted Stevens International Airport. They'll have to rename it 'Prisoner No. 4983 Airport.' " -- Craig Ferguson

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"According to rumors, John McCain and Barack Obama are both trying to get Angelina Jolie's endorsement. John Edwards is just trying to get her number." - Craig Ferguson

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"Los Angeles made the list of the top 10 most walkable cities in the U.S. ...Nobody walks in Los Angeles! The only reason we even have sidewalks is so Andy Dick has some place to sleep."
-- Craig Ferguson

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This is another case of immigrants taking a job that Americans don't want.
-- Craig Ferguson, the Scottish-born CBS talk show host who addressed the White House Correspondents' Association dinner on April 26, 2008.

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"John McCain was on 'The View.' He got along well with Barbara Walters. They were reminiscing about the Civil War." -- Craig Ferguson

Barr goes Blue

Roseanne was on Craig Ferguson last night and said, "I went and had vaginal rejuvenation surgery. No, I did! And now I have a va-junior. And I'm not afraid to use it."

What the HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

Click here to see the clip.

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"It’s too bad Michael Jackson has to sell the Neverland Ranch: It’s a huge estate that covers 2,800 acres; it has an amusement park and it can sleep up to 50 children uncomfortably."
- Craig Ferguson

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"Today O.J. Simpson was charged. Seven felonies. Seven felonies! He said if he knew how much trouble he was going to get into, he would have just murdered the guy." -- Craig Ferguson