Durst's Top 10 Comedic News Stories of 2008

From the mind of our Pal, Will Durst:
Okay. Just so you know: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year are as different from the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of the Year as a tarantula infested banana tree is from a small paper bag of locking quarter- inch steel washers painted blue. Other stuff might have had a bigger impact on America and the World, such as an African American guy whose middle name is Hussein winning the Presidency of the United States.
But so far, Mister Agent of Change is about as funny as over the counter ear drops. You can't mock hope right now. Too much like kicking small whimpering furry things with big eyes. Oh, he's bound to loosen up after a few weeks getting kicked around on Pennsylvania Avenue, but until then, here are the stories from 08 that were most filled with humorosityness.

10. Proposition 8. Organized religion goes out of its way to guarantee that gays will not be burdened with the right to be as miserable as the rest of us.
9. New York Governor and Emperor's Club member, Eliot Spitzer. Flies a hooker from New York to DC, because as we all know, there aren't enough hookers in DC. (535 that I can think of offhand) Gives her 4 grand and puts her up at the Mayflower Hotel. Now, that's a liberal. A conservative will try to get it for free in an airport men's room stall. Demonstrating fiscal responsibility.
8. Joe Biden. Has potential to fill gaffe gap being vacated by George Bush. Inserts foot in mouth so often, he should invest in mint- flavored shoelaces.
7. National Political Conventions. James Dobson's Focus on the Family called for a storm of biblical proportions to disrupt outdoor acceptance speech of Barack Obama on last day of the Democratic Convention. Hurricane Gustav slammed into New Orleans canceling first day of Republican Convention. Proving that either God has a sense of humor or be extremely careful what you ask for.
6. Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. Gives a bad name to people with bad names. Something about the Springfield Capitol makes it work like a halfway house in reverse. Economy is so bad, Hair Helmet probably offered free shipping with Barack's Senate seat.
5. The Primaries. 1: Former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee raises hand at a New Hampshire Presidential Debate when asked, "who doesn't believe in evolution?" In May, he explains he is still campaigning because "at this point, its survival of the fittest."
2: In Philadelphia, Senator Hillary Clinton says "in this race, I am Rocky Balboa." Obviously forgetting that in first movie, Rocky loses.. To a black guy.
4. President George W. Bush. Lame duck, but a good ducker. International community furious at Muntadhar al Zaidi. Not for trying to hit the President with his size 10s, but because. 1: his aim was bad, and 2: he wasn't a centipede.
3. Senator John McCain runs worst campaign ever. That includes New Coke, France in 39 and Cloris Leachman on Dancing With the Stars. Doesn't know how many houses he has. Should do what I do. Every time I get 4 houses, I trade them in for a hotel.
2. The Economy. When everybody in America knows the name of the Secretary of the Treasury, that's not good. Line of the year courtesy of an anonymous Wall Street broker: "This is worse than a divorce. I'm worth half what I was. and I'm still married."
1. Governor Sarah Palin. For those destined to go cold turkey on Bush, she is like a dose of methadone. And she's sticking around. How you going to keep them down in Juneau after they've seen Neiman- Marcus?

Political comic, Will Durst, who writes sometimes, expects an even better list in 2009.
official website HERE
CD available HERE

Happy Birthday Hillary

Denver Cops Commemorate DNC 2008

Proving once again that most law enforcement organizations have high disregard for the general public, freedoms allowed Americans via the Bill of Rights and have no business even attempting humor since they obviously don't understand the concept, the Denver police union is selling T-shirts that target protesters at last month's Democratic National Convention.
Each Denver officer was given one of the shirts free and others are on sale for $10 each at police union offices. The union expects to sell about 2,000 of them.
story is HERE

Dream Fulfilled

DENVER, Colorado -- On August 28, 1963, U.S. civil rights activist Martin Luther King Jr. brought Americans into a dreamland with the resounding "I Have A Dream" speech in Washington D.C.
Exactly 45 years later, Barack Obama stood on the stage at the Democratic National Convention in Denver Thursday night as the first-ever African-American presidential nominee of a major U.S. party.
As Dr. King foresaw before he was assassinated in 1968, the country has now accepted a person of color to be the presidential nominee.
more HERE
video HERE

Reporter Harassed by Denver Police

DENVER, Colorado -- Police in Denver arrested an ABC News producer as he and a camera crew were attempting to take pictures on a public sidewalk of Democratic senators and VIP lobbyists/donors leaving a private meeting at the Brown Palace Hotel.
Police on the scene refused to tell ABC lawyers the charges against the producer, Asa Eslocker, who works with the ABC News investigative unit.
more HERE
video HERE
Eslocker has been advised by his lawyers not to speak about the event. more HERE

Rockin' the House

After watching the Democratic Convention last night, we found ourselves faced with one very important question: Why didn't Joe Biden do better in the primary?
Biden's speech charmed the pants off of people who've never heard of him. And it came on the heels of a stellar Ted Kennedy speech, decent speeches from Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama, the theatrics of Hillary releasing her delegates ... and the fact that Bill Clinton didn't make a huge ass of anyone.
transcript and video of Biden's speech HERE

Sneek Peek: DNC Behind The Scenes

Hillary Takes One for the Team

DENVER, Colorado - Putting her ego aside, Hillary Clinton urged her supporters to rally behind Barack Obama in a passionate and forceful address at the Democratic convention on Tuesday night that underscored her historic candidacy as the first woman to come within reach of a major political party's presidential nomination. There were no backhanded remarks, no tears...she did what she had to do for her party.
"...it is time to take back the country we love, and whether you voted for me or you voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose." Clinton said.
more HERE
video HERE

Teddy Speaks

Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention in Denver last night, just weeks after brain surgery.
...but if you were seeking real entertainment, the fun was in watching MSNBC coverage. There were people standing behind the MSNBC correspondents holding up t-shirts dipicting donkeys screwing elephants...

Bubblegum Blondes

Jason Kronenwald, an MFA graduate from Queens University in Kingston, Ontario, made one of his first bubblegum artworks called Gum Blondes in 1996.
Comprised solely of chewed gum (all colors are inherent to the gum and mixed in the mouth), every portrait is manipulated onto a plywood surface, and sealed with an epoxy resin for protection and preservation.
New portraits include Hillary Clinton and Madonna.
more HERE

...Hillary appears at the Democratic National Convention tonight...we only hope she doesn't fuck everything up...

F**k Fox News!

The DNC is barely under way in Denver, but protesters are already making themselves heard. Their message: "Fuck corporate media!" and "Fuck FOX News!"
That's the response FOX's Griff Jenkins receives when he throws himself into a swarm of marching anti-war protesters.
more HERE

The DNC Podium

Hooker Outreach during Democratic Convention

you're making me wet

A local advocacy group for prostitutes is expecting a spike in activity during the Democratic National Convention.
more HERE
video HERE

...Oh, the GOP likes hookers too...see HERE

DNC's free pass on gas tax

DENVER, Colorado - The committee hosting the Democratic National Convention is using the city's gas pumps to fill up on fuel, avoiding state and federal highway taxes.
"There's something there that just doesn't seem right to me because, in a sense, you're saying then that the officials who pass the laws are not willing to live by them, and that concerns me," Denver councilwoman Jeanne Faatz said.
The issue came up during the council's weekly meeting with Mayor John Hickenlooper when the Public Works Department requested authorization to be reimbursed by the Denver 2008 Convention Host Committee for use of "fueling facilities, fuel and car washes."
story is HERE