Chuck's Weird World: June 2005

Miss Universe Contest

Am I the only person who finds it a tad strange that year after year the only planet represented in this contest is earth?

Not only that,but over at MISS U, you can BUY swim suit photos of the EARTH based contestants...hummmm $27.00 yippee...each 11x14.

Isn't this the same contest where when asked a question about something they always answer " I want to help the poor and less fortunate".

If thats the case why don't you pawn the crown these guys give you and buy about oh 300000 meals and a fricken homeless shelter in some god forsaken part of the ONLY planet in the contest...hummm....or hey CHOSE ANOTHER PLANET IN THE UNIVERSE and help them...

press release:

The crown is valued at approximately $200,000 and will have 500 diamonds totaling nearly 30 carats. 120 pearls, both white South Sea and Akoya pearls, ranging in size from 3.0 -18 mm will adorn the new crown.

WHAT ABOUT A MOON ROCK?, Don't we have some of those around on a shelf , lets stick one of those it the crown...humm

Calls to Pagent officials are not being returned...

The Miss Universe Organization
1370 Avenue of the Americas 16th Floor
New York, NY 10019
212.373.4999
MissUPR@missuniverse.com

Squirt Gun 101

There comes a time in every person's life where you simultaneously become your parents and at the same time smile inwardly with such a glow based on the fact that you have just witnessed yourself imprinted on your own child...

This was just one of those moments:

Sure it all started out innocently, I was using the restroom when my 4 year old son barged into interrupt me...

"DAD DAD DAD I need help with my squirt gun...."

"Please wait until I'm finished going ..." as I shut the door leaving him in the hallway...

5 seconds pass, BOOM door comes flying open for the second time in less than a minute...

" I said wait till I finish going pee "I say in a little more stern tone."

He announces " It will only take a minute"

I explain, I'm busy and I'm not at the sink and in a position to fill the 3 squirt guns he is traveling with.

He say's " I know I know"

Then "WHY are you bothering me?" I respond.

"I don't want to fill them with water" he boldly announces like he has an actual plan...

"Well what are you going to use?" now annoyed that I have been trying to pee for 5 minutes most of which time has been chewed up with with water pistol discussions...

"I want you to PEE in the SQUIRT GUNS" he says with a face that looks oddly like the same face The Wright Brothers must had during that first flight at Kitty Hawk, he clearly had a vision.

Inside, I of course was doing a happy dance that could not be described, genius !!!, he actually on his own figured out a prank and was attempting implimentation....Oh a dream come true...

On the outside, another story, with a straight face , I became my father, "NO NO NO thats not appropriate....and what do you think the people you shoot are going to say when they find out what you are up to and have sprayed them with sir?"

he interupted my " father" speech, "dad thats the best part, its going to be a secret, only you and I are going to know its not water."

In the back of my head I'm actually thinking he has a point there...

As I looked into Einstein's little face it became clear to me that somewhere in the future during his grade school science years , I would be sitting in the Vice Principals office justifying a certain child of mines ability to "think outside the box".

For now we will use water in our squirt guns and dream of the future...

The Dentist

Wanna watch your Dentist squirm much he same as you do even thinking about walking into the dentist office?

I went this very afternoon for the most dreaded of appointments...THE ROOT CANAL !!!!!....the first words outta my sore bleeding mouth..." SO you had to pass a dental board exam to get a license right?" he answered yes, " Just curious, your allowed to miss a few questions on the test right and still get your license right?" he answered yes again, and how many did you miss if I may ask?" , a few he answered....I ask " Which few?, the ones on cleaning a persons teeth?, or perhaps...HOW TO PERFORM A PAINLESS ROOT CANAL?"

....he wouldn't answer me.....nice huh, but I should of known something was up when his assistant referred to the numbing agent dentists use these days as " SLEEPY JUICE"

A) its not made by OCEAN SPRAY and B) I WAS WIDE AWAKE THROUGH THE WHOLE PAINFUL PROCEDURE....and these people WONDER why folks cancel appointments and HATE THEM......I think the reasons pretty obvious......THEY ARE EVIL...PS Ill leave out the part of the story where he started working on the wrong tooth on the wrong side of my mouth before I corrected him, maybe he got his license in ENGLAND....the right side of the roads is on the left there I THINK !

The Handicapped

Why is it that 42% of americans have 100% of the great parking places? Correct me if Im wrong but:

A) If your that screwed up should you really be outside?

B) SSI payed for a 12 thousand dollar motorized vehicle, why dont you drive it farther that the 2 feet you have been parked in front of the local SHOPPING TOWN MALL?

C) Your so screwed up that SSI purchased you a VAN and a driver yet for some unknown reason your personal driver has to park right next to the front door of every store in town instead of in the south 40 because god knows, those charge once and their are good for the rest of your lifetime batteries MIGHT GET USED...

D) When Im in the food court at the mall the last thing I wanna see is some guy who wasnt smart enough to get outta the way of a guys 4th DUI crash trying to eat a Chinese food with a head stick...

E) My advice, 3 words HOME SHOPPING NETWORK, give us our parking spaces back, and dont make us answer the question ", Hey dad, WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT GUY" ?, because people the answers always the same, .."dear, thats what happens when you don't CLEAN YOUR PLATE"