News of the Day...

SURI CRUISE IS ONE YEAR OLD TODAY - the baby girl of Tom Crusie and Katie Holmes turns one year old today, as previously implied by the headline. It's not known if the parents will throw a party for their only child, but if they do, I think a good theme would be something based on the Green River Killer. Maybe Rommel.

PARIS MIGHT GO TO JAIL - Paris Hilton will face a judge on May 4th and might actually end up in jail. In January, Hilton pleaded no contest to alcohol-related reckless driving and was sentenced to 36 months probation. Just one month later, she was arrested for driving with a suspended license. This is a violation of her probation and prosecutors are asking for Paris to be sentenced to 90 days in jail. Prosecutors are also asking if it's bad to clean a toaster with a knife, or is that just an old wives tale.

SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE VULTURES - The Church of Scientology has dispatched "ministers" to provide "grief counseling" for students at Virginia Tech after a gunman killed 33 people on campus Monday. Critics say this is a familiar pattern and that Scientology routinely uses tragedy (such as 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina) to convert people when they are at their most vulnerable. Another time people are at their most vulnerable: near fresh cookies.