PBS gets all ANAL...

Although she believed she had put the incident firmly, er, behind her, PBS Kids Sprout spinoff network has fired Melanie Martinez from her job hosting their end-of-day The Good Night Show. The hostess with the mostest was terminated after a clip of her role in a seven-year-old satirical short film Technical Virgin hit the internet. The topic of said clip? Avoiding teen pregnancy by engaging in anal sex. Good night, indeed!

The Good Night Show featured Melanie Martinez introducing children’s programs such as Thomas the Train, Dragon Tales and Bob the Builder and was designed as a way to help her young audience wind down and get into bed. (Yes, the same can be said for sodomy). And much like anal sex, the show had become wildly popular among America’s youth and bored fathers.

Network President Sandy Wax (whose name alone sounds like bad sex) claims, “the dialogue in this video is inappropriate for her role as a preschool program host and may undermine her character’s credibility with our audience.” That’s right, this 30-second video clip could shatter children’s illusion that Melanie is a babysitter whose best friend is an increasingly drowsy sentinent star-shaped pillow. Is nothing sacred anymore? Don’t today’s youth deserve to preserve their sodomous innocence until they’re fully-grown, in a relationship, and slightly drunker than usual?

The short that caused all the controversy, Technical Virgin , pokes fun at a growing sensitive area for conservatives. Over the past decade, with an increase in abstinence-only sex-ed programs being taught to America’s youth, more and more teenagers are experimenting with sodomy at younger ages in place of conventional sex. (It should be noted that “experimenting” requires extensive testing and re-testing before proving a hypothesis. So while our society’s daughters may be growing into a generation of unbridled sluts, at least America’s sons, who have in recent years scored quite poorly on science testing, are gaining meticulous, hands-on familiarty with the scientific method).

While Melanie Martinez does seem to have her finger on the pulsing taint of America’s youth, unfortunately, the only discernable similarities between The Good Night Show and back-alley buggery are Martinez’s impromptu yoga poses, the show’s slow, repetitive pacing, and a character named “Hush.”

Although it’s apparently been yanked off of Youtube, there is another parody clip in which Martinez instructs young viewers how to avoid the dangers of sex by using a vibrator, which, admittedly, probably would be inappropriate for a little girl between the ages three and five.

In honor of all her painful work and commitment to bettering today’s youth, we would like to honor Melanie by naming “The Dirty Martinez” after her. “The Dirty Martinez” is when you and your child are watching quality, educational programming, and then all of the sudden an overly zealous, conservative douche busts through the door waving around vibrators and talking about buttfucking.

Like most young women who discuss anal in a professional medium, Martinez considers herself an actress and is currently looking for paying work.

See the video HERE.