Cowboy Rules for The Wild West

1. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head aint crooked.

3. Lets get this straight: its called a gravel road. I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, youre gonna get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. Thats why they smell like cattle. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Dont like it? I-10 & I-40 go east and west, I-17 & I-15 goes north and south. Pick one and go.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 Combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. Every person in the Wild West waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of geese/pheasants/ducks/doves are coming in during a hunt, we WILL shoot it outta your hand. You better hope you dont have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah. We eat trout, salmon, deer and elk. You really want sushi and caviar? Its available at the corner bait shop.

9. The Opener refers to the first day of deer season. Its a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. Thats applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, theres no vegetarian special on the menu. Order steak, or you can order the Chefs Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham and turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah ... We dont care what you folks in Cincinnati call
that stuff you eat ... IT AINT REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring Mary Jane into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14. College and High School Football is as important here as the Giants, the Yankees, the Mets, the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But dont hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

16. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump aint music, anyway. We dont want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers! Refer back to #1!

When you are too old to cut the mustard, you can always lick the jar.