Dick Cheney Denies Being Human

BREAKING NEWS: Cheney denies being human

"I am not human," Vice President Dick Cheney said twice during a 10-minute statement today following news that he had refused to comply with subpoenas, created and advocated for the "Unitary Executive Theory", played a key role in setting up illegal spying programs, coordinated a campaign to obstruct the investigation conducted by Patrick Fitzgerald, organized a campaign of retribution against whistleblower Joseph Wilson that included the outing of a covert CIA operative, led efforts to institute the routine use of torture, spearheaded a campaign to manipulate pre-war intelligence, created a secret Energy Task Force which operated in defiance of open-government laws, directed massive no-bid contracts to his company, Halliburton, profiting from the same illegal war he had defrauded the American public to launch, and threatened an aggressive attack on the nation of Iran.

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