Movie of the Week

Tahna: “Smells fresh… like a summer’s day.”

Cynthia: “Is she calling me a douchebag?”

I’d happily watch sloe-eyed porn starlet Jezebelle Bond re-grout her bathroom tile for 80 minutes, so for me, the abundance of sex and nudity that fills Teenage Cavegirl’s hour-and-twenty-minute running time was like Christmas morning all over again. In fact, I think there’s more fucking (albeit strictly soft-X) in Cavegirl than any of writer/director Fred Olen Ray’s recent DVDs, including The Erotic Dreams of Jeannie, The Erotic Escort Company, and Curse of the Erotic Tiki (are you sensing a theme here?). And he’s certainly got the right people to carry out a lot of vigorous on-screen balling; in addition to Ms. Bond, Cavegirl’s cast includes pro pornstars Evan Stone, Nicole Sheridan and her husband Alexandre Boisvert (a.k.a Voodoo), and Lezle Zen, along with softcore starlet Kennedy Johnston, who’s no slouch in the dirty-dirty department herself.

The plot? Oh, yeah, there’s a plot – Cretaceous-era cutie Tahna (Bond) and her throwback boyfriend Tiko (Stone) step through a time portal and wind up in L.A.’s Bronson Caverns circa 2004, where they’re discovered by amateur rockhounds Boisvert and Johnston. Boisvert declares her the scientific find of the century, but Johnston’s more interested in how Tahna’s ass looks in her animal-skin bikini (later, she gives it a closer inspection in a long and sudsy bathtub romp). After introducing Tahna to the miracles of television and underwear, Boisvert shows her off to his scheming science professor (Ray regular Jay Richardson) and his biznatch assistant (Sheridan). Richardson, of course, sees dollar signs in Tahna’s A-cups, and takes her to his lab, determined to drain her prehistoric memories with his scientific gizmo.

That may seem like a lot of shenanigans to swallow just to look at Jezebelle Bond’s tits, but trust me, the sex to exposition ratio in Cavegirl is something like 3 to 1 (basically, there’s a ten-minute fuck scene every fifteen minutes). And the story itself – yeah, it’s not Quest for Fire, but it’s amusing in a sort of ‘60s nudie-cutie way, and the cast carries it off with tongues planted firmly in cheeks (and other places), especially Stone (who is again funnier than most mainstream comic actors), Sheridan, and Richardson. Oh, and there’s even a few CGI dinosaurs, so really, you’ve got nothing to lose from watching Teenage Cavegirl. Can you say the same for any of the Hollywood movies currently in theaters? And do any of them offer porn stars, dinosaurs and naked cavegirls – in the same film? I thought not.

You ought to write a letter of thanks to Fred Olen Ray for delivering so much entertainment on so little a budget. Mine’s in the mail right now.

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