Snakes on the Plane : PLAY BY PLAY

And now...your feature presentation!
New Line title screen: Cheers! Further applause from the crowd when everyone realizes, no previews!
:01...More applause for the name on the screen: Samuel L. Jackson. Even more applause for the title: Snakes on a Plane. Camera pans along the shores of a Hawaiian island. Audience chants "snakes, snakes, snakes."
:03...Credits still rolling. Someone shouts: "Where are the snakes already?!"
:04...A Red Bull can. The shout: "Product placement!"
:05...Horribly awful rip-off of Al Capone and the baseball bat scene from The Untouchables. Lots of blood splatter. "Clean this up!" the bad guy says. Only they don't?
:06...Samuel L. Jackson to the rescue! Another wave of cheers and applause. (Someone two rows in front of me begins snapping flash photos. Really? Really.)
:07...The lone witness (Sean!) to the crazy murder in minute 5 tells Sam (er, Agent Flynn) that he didn't report the crime because he knew of police corruption, which he only learned on the TV news moments earlier, so that doesn't make any sense. But I digress.
:08...Sam delivers his first monologue. Note the familiar way he repeats the words "Make no mistake!" Sadly, no m-----f-----s in this speech.
:10...First appearance by Kenan Thompson as Troy. Applause. Kenan/Troy works for some rapper, who just told a little white boy, "Stay black!" Seriously. We also see the flight attendants. Julianna Margulies tells us it's her last flight and she hopes for no troubles. How cliche.
:14...David Koechner is the pilot. Or the co-pilot. Either way, the audience knows right away that there'll be some comic gold coming.
:18...The bad guy practices his martial arts. Tells a henchman: "You think I haven't exhausted every option!" Yes, only when you've exhausted all of your other options do you think of terrorizing a plane with poisonous snakes. He was going to go with sharks, but he couldn't figure out the logistics.
:21...The obviously gay flight attendant guy gets chuckles from the audience during the obligatory airplane safety speech. But it's the shot of the plane in the air that gets the round of applause.
:23...Your first scene with snakes!
:25...A shot of a countdown clock. T-minus 3 minutes! Count along, why dontcha?
:28...3...2...1...and they're out! The snakes are out! And what's this...SNAKE VISION! There goes the kitty! A young nubile couple heads for a bathroom to join the Mile High Club. But the guy also wants to smoke a joint. Do you smell trouble, too?
:29...You asked for it, you got your R-rated nudity. Boobies!
:30...MORE SNAKE VISION! SNAKES ON A JUGULAR! SNAKES ON JUGS! Two down, several more to go.
:31...Snakes are eating the wires. That prompts the first "Mayday!" from the cockpit.
:33...Another guy heads to the lavatory to take a leak. You know what's slithering up the toilet to greet him. SNAKES ON A PENIS! Other shots in the main cabin show more snakes sneaking up on unsuspecting passengers. One goes up the fat lady's dress. Ick. They wouldn't.
:37...SNAKES ON A CAPTAIN!
:40...Snakes ahoy! Put a snake over your own mouth, then over the mouth of the small child next to you. Then again, no. SNAKES IN A BARF BAG! SNAKES ON YOUR EYE!
:41...Sam's partner gets bit. And bit. And bit.
:42...Sam gets his first glimpse of a snake, and what does he do? Toss it aside! Then he Tasers two other snakey snakes! The crowd goes nuts!
:43...Passengers stampede up the aisle. One guy goes down. High heel in the ear! Hey, we thought this was snakes on a plane. No one warned us about high heel in the ear!
:44...The gay guy throws a snake in the microwave. "Who's dying now, bitch!" Hoots and hollers.
:45...Sam gives the passengers instructions. We all know who'd be in charge, didn't we?
:46...MORE SNAKE VISION! But the kickboxer comes to the hot girl's aid. Is he going to kick the snakes? No such luck. Maybe if you yell at him enough, he will. Or maybe they should reshoot that, too!
:50...Sam's partner dies. Is that a tear we see on your face? Sam, you're getting soft!
:51...Koechner gets off a funny line about if something doesn't happen fast, the plane is going down "like a Thai hooker." Obligatory query: Is there a doctor on this flight? Well, yes and no, my dear. Yes BUT no. Not any more.
:52...Sam delivers lines you heard in the trailer. Of all the gin joints in the world and all of the terror threats we planned for, we never planned for this. Or something like that. Get 'em, Bogey! Er, I mean Sam. Er, I mean Agent Flynn. Meanwhile, back in Coach...who's going to suck the venom out of the big black guy's ass. Aw, hell no!
:53...The nice Latina mother sucks the venom out of the little kid's arm. Big black guy says that's more like it.
:55...You want to fight off the snakes with sporks? SPORKS!
:58...Watch for Sam's response on the airphone: "Well, that's good news....Snakes on Crack!"
:59...What would you say if the snake geek on the other end of the phone says this to you: "Make it fast, time is tissue!" Instead, Sam gives the big we've all got to stick together speech you've seen and heard on most preview clips.
1:01...SNAKES ON A CO-PILOT!
1:05...Even more snakes on the loose. Who invited the snake from Anaconda? Well, he's here. And he's hungry. SNAKE ON A DOG! SNAKE ON THE BAD BRITISH GUY'S HEAD!
1:08...What's this? The co-pilot is down, but not out!
1:14...You got my gun? Oh no, you didn't.
1:17...Why is it so dark all of a sudden? Who's the prankster who turned out the lights so we can't even see the motherf---ing snakes! No, he doesn't say this. Keep waiting.
1:20...Sam torches a few snakes. The power's back on.
1:21...We've found the Man With the Snake Plan. And we're not happy with you, sir. You and your dastardly plan. And ha, a snake bit you. Now I bet you'll help us, right. But first, a lame FBI agent repeats Sam's first speech from minute 8. Who does he think he is?
1:24...Everything's going to be OK?
1:25...Nope. SNAKES IN THE COCKPIT!
1:26...Kenan with your gut so bright (because your shirt is so orange), won't you guide our sleigh tonight!
1:27...THE LINE YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR. Our crowd gives Samuel L. Jackson a standing O for saying the line the fans wanted him to say all along: "I've had it with these motherf---ing snakes on this motherf---ing plane!" What's your response?
1:28...You're going to shoot the windows? I suppose that's one way to get rid of the snakes. I don't know if that's the way I would've gone with that, considering we all could get sucked out of the plane, too, but hey, you're Samuel L. Jackson, so I'm just going to have to trust you on this one.
1:29...Kenan takes the wheel. "Aw, this s--- is bananas!" Yes, Kenan, it is.
1:34...The eagle has landed. I mean, the snake plane has landed!
1:36...As my colleague Jim just said, "What just happened?" Well, a main character seemingly dies without warning, but not really.
1:37...What do you mean, the gay guy isn't gay.
1:38...Maybe they should've called it Snakes on a Love Plane. It's a regular Love Connection around here.
1:39...Sam on a surfboard? Roll the credits! Cue the applause! And here's the music video from Cobra Starship, for "Bring It."
1:44...And now this is the fan song? Can barely hear the fan song over the fan racket as everyone files out and gives their insta-reviews.
1:45...As the credits end, the obligatory note that no animals were harmed during filming. Yeah, but what about the snakes? And the dignity of Hollywood? Oh, right.